I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm passing your future prison.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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