dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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