I'm so fucking centered right now
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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