Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
