hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
