My Higher Power is John Stamos
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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