this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
