Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
