maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
