If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
