I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
