I cannot find my penis.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize