I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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