I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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