Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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