when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
