Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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