Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
