Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
bring money and cleavage
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
