You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
