If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
