I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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