Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
