Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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