I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
