Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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