Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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