I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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