why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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