So drunk its hurt
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
