I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
