i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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