Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
