just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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