Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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