My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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