Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize