a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
