i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
