I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
