my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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