Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
