What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
