Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
