All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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