This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
