i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
