I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
