3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
