Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
