My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
