did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My life is pants optional.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
