Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
