he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
