Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize