You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
