meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can text with my tongue
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
