so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
