I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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