I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
