good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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