We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
